As a therapist, I must tell my clients not to overlook the red flags that creep into relationships. Why do we then not flag them as does an email server? Why do we pay less attention to them from the start? Why do we selectively ignore anything that challenges our first impression and call it into question?

Research suggests that we DO see and register the red flags, the signs of potential relationship deal-breakers, but our “confirmation bias” takes over. So, we look for validation by talking about them with family and friends until we get the “okay” to move forward, which will satisfy this bias of an excellent first impression.

Below are the “crimson” flags that I have heard from clients, which I believe to be significant indicators that you might be in a one-sided, unhealthy relationship:

1. The person reaches out to you most when they need something.

2. If you remind them, the person returns a text or a call.

3. He will say, “But, I’m just a man,” or she will say, “But, I’m just a woman,” as you question their behaviors.

4. The conversations revolve around them, and rarely do they begin by asking how your day is going.

5. The person has delusions of grandeur and believes they can save the world.

6. The person says that their family is XYZ and insinuates only they can save them.

7. The person forgot you lent them money and that they kept some of your personal belongings. When you mention it later, they ask, “Do you want it back?”

8. Their relationship with their parents was strained as a child, and they come from a “broken” family.

9. The person has been married or in romantic relationships multiple times, and the breakup is blamed on the other person.

10. The person’s spiritual path and belief in God differs from yours. (If God is №1 in your life, this should be your №1 flag.)

So why ignore these flags and deal with so much heartache, confusion, and stress? When I catch myself ignoring the signs (yes, I am as human as you), it is often to maintain positive illusions about my relationships.

And you? Why do you tune them out and sometimes ignore them completely?

It is essential to realize that if you can’t live with the character flaws of which red flags are indicators, move on and don’t treat that person as a fixer-upper.

Do so mindfully, in love, and with respect for yourself and them. You’ll be glad you did, and in due time, the Universe will gift you that healthy relationship you desire!

(Smile) 😉

References: Josephs, L. (2018) The Dynamics of Infidelity: Applying Relationship Science to Psychotherapy Practice. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.