Sadie has been feeling raw emotions since the capitol incident yesterday.  As she washes the dishes tonight, she can’t get that young lady’s face off her mind.    She was a kid living in Los Angeles and watching the local news that day when Robert F. Kennedy was shot and the stunned and shocked expression on his face was exactly the same as Ashli’s expression at that moment.   Did she too know she was dying?

Putting up the dishes, Sadie stops and grabs her journal, imagining what might’ve transpired before, during, and after that young lady’s fateful day.  For her, writing is the light and therapy she needs.  She knows that all she is witnessing and experiencing will be part of her second book as she tries to make sense of what has happened.

She writes:

When I made a choice of going into the capitol today, exercising my first amendment,  I never expected that it would turn into mayhem and I would be met by gunfire.
When I left my house in San Diego yesterday afternoon, I was motivated to speak up for what I believed to be some of the politicians’ hypocrisy and what seemed a fraudulent election.
When I left my home, the vivid images of those intense protests and fires burning this past summer glared in my mind; but that was never my intention.
When I last talked to my mother, I told her that I loved her and that I would be back soon.
When I last talked to my father I told him the same thing. He just smiled as he saw the flag wrapped about me. He of all people knew how much I loved my country.
When I last talked to my husband, he kissed me and he knew my spirit would prevail.
When I boarded the plane, I never imagined I would be making headline news.
But now it is too late. Or is it? Will I be remembered as a traitor? Will I be seen as just another one of the mob? Will I be hailed a PATRIOT in my own right? A martyr? A hero?
Will I receive the same accolades as those men this past summer whose images I saw everywhere after they too were unarmed and shot by policemen? Weren’t they known criminals? Will people say it was a different issue then?  Was it? Is there a double standard here that I don’t yet understand?  Will I ever?
Or will I just be remembered as an unhinged protestor who stormed the capitol and got what she deserved? Hadn’t I already been trampled on by some of these same politicians as I served and protected them as a high-level security official?
Did I tell you that I had served my country for 14 years and was proud of my brothers and sisters in the armed forces?
I never wanted this to happen, I never planned for the capitol to be assaulted with broken windows and all. I merely went there because I believed in a true democracy and that my voice would be heard. Where else would I be heard if not in the birthplace of democracy? I had tried everything else but nothing seemed to matter to these politicians who had promised us so much.

Did I tell you that I wanted to “protect, defend, build, enrich, inspire, and unite with All Americans?”

I had so many dreams still in my heart that I wanted to fulfill. Please tell me this is all a dream. Please. And if it is not, I am truly sorry Mom and Dad that you had to witness my death on television.  I am truly sorry.

Please don’t judge me without having walked in my shoes. I was merely trying to exercise my constitutional rights.  I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that after having served overseas for so many years, I came “home” to die!  How can life be so ironic?

When I left my home, I prayed to God that everything would be okay; but I now understand that He had BETTER plans for me. I have heard the phrase that “all is fair and love and war,” but some battles leave no victors.  Only broken hearts and scars remain and it makes me wonder it was ever worth the fight.  I don’t understand it now but I will trust that everything WILL be okay. Allow my pain and what went wrong today,  for God to make it right for all of us.  It is now between God and me which is how it has always been. I will accept my fate.

America: I am truly truly sorry.

Sadie knows that tonight, she will be able to sleep and allow every emotion to come, but not to allow it to fester. She actually wishes to dream deeply because it is as she dreams that God speaks to her. It is as she dreams that at times she finds herself in heaven. She believes that every one of us a purpose in life,  a right to choose our beliefs and how we live our life.  If we only stop pointing fingers none of this will be in vain.  It is not about who is right or wrong, which party we belong to, or he said, she said, they said, we said.  In her humble opinion, it is about ALL of us remembering that we are all sinners and that God does forgive those that repent.  And that above all, we will ALL heal if we go back to our true source.

(Inspired by 2 Chronicles 7:14 ¹⁴if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.)

 

(The woman who was fatally shot by Capitol Police was Ashli Babbitt, 35, of San Diego, family members told  NBC San Diego. Her brother-in-law, Justin Jackson, said in a statement to the station: “Ashli was both loyal as well as extremely passionate about what she believed in. She loved this country and felt honored to have served in our Armed Forces. Please keep her family in your thoughts and respect their privacy during this time.”

Her former husband Timothy McEntee described her as “a wonderful woman with a big heart and a strong mind. She loved America with all her heart.  It’s truly a sad day.”)