Hi, I’m excitedly working on the finishing touches of my second edition of my first book.  I wanted to share this with you tonight, so enjoy.  

Meanwhile, Sarah, who is working on her last session’s therapeutic homework, writes in her journal.

Meeting my therapist at this stage of my life has been one of the best things that could have happened to me. I can honestly tell myself that I’ve been listened to without judgment, I’m learning to hold myself accountable for some of the choices I’ve done, and most importantly, as I see how she lives her life, it is making me want to get back to reading the Bible… something that I hadn’t done in a while. Not sure if I should be having these feelings, but she feels like family now. I admire her so much and want to be like her when I grow up… .just like her. One of these days in session, I’m going to show her this journal entry since that is what therapy is for right? What’s the use of paying $80/session if you can’t vomit everything to your therapist? She is more suitable than I am to handle it right? Or is she? Does she too have consternations about life as I do? I’m sure…

Just then, the phone startles her. Upon seeing the caller ID, she picks it up and wonders what her therapist could want on an early Tuesday morning when they just had a session yesterday afternoon.

“What do you mean you can’t see me anymore, Doc!” Sarah exclaims over the phone. “Is this even ethical? That you would just call me in the middle of our therapy week to tell me you are referring me out to a colleague?

Breathing laboriously, Dr. Kelley on the other line is trying to keep it together.

“Forgive me Sarah, I’m so sorry and yes, it’s legal if I have a viable reason to do so, and I believe in this case it would be countertransference. It’s a complex issue but yes, this therapeutic relationship might not be in the best interest for you. Believe me, this is not easy for me, but it has to be done.”

“But Doc, wait, wait,” she clamors, “what the hell is countertransference? Sorry for my French.” I was just working on my journal assignment you gave me, now what am I supposed to do?”

Raising her voice, she hollers “But Doc, this isn’t fair, that you are just thinking of yourself and licenses, and not my feelings… now I know why my friends told me to be careful with counselors… I had my druthers about you when you were telling me about some of your past. I remember you…”

Dr. Kelley does not let her finish and tells her she must hang up and that she will be receiving therapy termination papers with the new referral in the mail.

“Goodbye Sarah, God bless you always!” Numbed, she slumps down on her chair and begins to shake uncontrollably. She must breathe slowly and not panic! She can’t remember the last time she had to end a relationship in this manner. Dr. Kelley retreats to her study, and as she meditates, she recalls a scripture of hope in Romans 8:28:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Sarah in the meantime is speechless, angry, and she sits by her desk and cries. How could another person (again) abandon me? The ONE person that I thought I could trust with all my heart and soul, feelings, and truths just told me “Goodbye.” This is not fair, God. Why is this happening to me now that I was just beginning to trust YOU more? You too must be a fake!

Stomping out of her room, Sarah laces up her tennis shoes and goes out for a run. The breeze wipes away the tears on her face but not in her heart. She is feeling helpless and adrift. Her air pod, as if on cue, plays one of her favorite songs by Sarah McLachlan called Silence:

Give… me… release
Witness me,
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to… believe that
I’d get caught up,
When the rage in me subsides
Passion, choke the flower…
’til she… cries no more
Possessing all… the beauty
Hungry still, for more
Heaven holds a sense of wonder…
And I wanted to… believe that
I’d get caught up
When the rage in me, subsides
In this white wave,
I am sinking…
In this silence…
In this white wave,
In this silence,
I believe…
I can’t… help this longing
Comfort… me.
I… can’t… hold it all in…
If… you… won’t let me
Heaven holds a sense of wonder…
And I wanted to… believe that
I’d get caught up,
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave,
I am sinking,
In this silence…
In this white wave,
In this silence
I believe…
I have seen you,
In this white wave,
You are silent
You are breathin’…
In this white wave
I am free…

“Fuck her,”Sarah thinks, as she continues with her run.“I wonder what type of family values she has… perhaps she is the prodigal daughter? Did her parents read nursery rhymes to her? My family would never just abandon me like that!”

***

Nightfall slowly comes and Dr. Kelley can’t sleep. She turns on the television and listens to one of her favorite pastors who just now reminds her that the destination isn’t important… it is pre-set, pre-determined by God. “The end has been set from the beginning, it’s not about the destination, he emphasizes, “It’s about the things that happen along the way.”

Being the therapist that she is, she imagines how Sarah might be feeling and senses her condemnation and guilt. “Why God, why must I accept my fate and end a relationship that was making so much sense to me? I was getting to the place therapeutically I needed to be with her? Is it because I’m afraid to know my own truth? But you promised me Lord that I must simply trust You? Why so much pain as we go about this journey?

“I’m angry and feeling love at the same time,” she thinks. “I don’t like myself right now and I’m afraid. Here I go again, having to end a relationship I love. I must pray.”